And then I watched SPECTRE

james bondThe sanskaari hashtags trending on twitter about the new Bond flick that made long headlines for cutting short its kissing scenes, with such hullaballoo made out as if the movie Spectre was reduced into a local version of Byomkesh Bakshi episode, thanking Mr.Pahlaj Nihalani, the censor board chief, I decided to watch it with my entire family as it was no big deal after all now. Incidentally we had some free tickets and Spectre was the unanimous choice and why not when journalists turn salesmen and scream their lungs out with all that pulsating fervor on the newshour debates almost instigating even a not so fond of bond movies person to actually go watch it, but for all that hyped bonding of the media with James Bond and the numerous intolerant bashing sessions of unilateral liberalism, the movie however proved utterly disastrous and disappointing.

Spectre turned out like a Farah Khan movie where bits and pieces from old flicks are lifted and implanted onto a new canvas in as is condition, the movie revolves around Daniel Craig uncovering the existence of a secret organization called SPECTRE and in this process amidst various jumps and falls he constantly needs revival doses of CPRs to recover from the obsolete asphyxiation of the storyline and hence ends up kissing all and sundry no matter how unconnected the scene is, but no, it’s not sexism or objectification of women it’s just creativity and more empowerment of women around the world! You simply can’t stick your sanskaari nose everywhere mind you! This Hollywood flick was more desi than you could ever imagine because it was all so relatable when the dashboard screen displayed ‘Ammunition not loaded’ and it could not get any better when James Bond discovers that the villain is none other than his own ‘mele mein bhichida huvaa bhaai’, our Shaakaal and Mogambo could go green eyed seeing Christoph Waltz, the villain bhai drilling a needle into Bond’s skull and delivering lengthy dialogues allowing Bond ample time to trick him and escape in true Bollywood istyle, and in the end Bond does not kill him but hands him over to the cops _ ‘kaanoon kabhi haath mein nai lena chahiye’ (never take the law into hands) perhaps it is for this reason that the Indian media got all touchy about this movie as it was way too desi to let go!

The 007 series that usually banks on a strong storyline, stunts, suspense and sensuality suddenly seems to saddle everything on its brand name but with the former 3 elements missing this time around and the latter element not working anymore in the current scenario where Bollywood items are more sleazier by the day than the Bond girls and people seeing more value for money in the Bollywood Tumkaas and Latkaas than the never ending crisis stricken chases and gun battles and not to forget the advent and rise of our own machos in the form of Akshay Kumars and Ajay Devguns has actually laid down the grim picture of 007 bare or is it really time to say ‘Will James Bond Ever Return’??

 

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